It can be hard to go to the doctor, especially for uncomfy or awkward procedures. From stealing urine samples to exploding cysts, the people in these stories not only have embarrassing moments but unwittingly humiliate themselves in front of their own doctor.
Stealing Pee From Another Patient
“So, at the time I had been staying in a rehab residential center. My caseworker scheduled me for my doctor’s appointment for a follow-up. Obviously being in a treatment facility, I am expected to be clean from any substances. Well a day before my appointment, my roommate somehow got a hold of a little something. Me being the addict I am, accepted her kind offer to participate in ‘secretly’ getting loaded.
We didn’t get caught and everything was good.
Fast forward to the following day, my appointment. Remembering that I just took a pee test a few days before for them, I figured they weren’t going to test me again!
Sure enough, as soon as a nurse calls my name, she hands me a little cup with my name sprawled across the lid, a moist wipe, and tells me to handle business. I stalled until I couldn’t anymore.
Dang. I’m going to get kicked out of another rehab and the downward spiral will restart.
I enter the single-occupancy restroom, wipe, pee in the cup then open the tray to the box on the wall.
Wait, what’s that? The last patient’s pee cup hadn’t been collected yet. There sits a cup of pee with ‘Randall’ written on the lid. Without much thought, literally almost none, I switched our lids. Ignoring the fact I didn’t even know if Randall’s urine was any better.
I walk back to the waiting room since I had to wait for two of my housemates to finish their apartment. I walk outside, smoke a cig and as soon as I walk back inside, I’m called by a nurse to the front. She tells me that the doctor needs to see me.
At this point, I’m certain they all know what I did and are looking at me as a pathetic junky. The nurse opens the door for me to enter and tells me to wait in room two and the doctor will be right in.
A few minutes later the doc walks in..smiling and looking a bit too happy.
‘Congratulations!’ is his first word.
‘Sorry,’ was all I could say.
‘Sorry?’ he says puzzled, ‘Did you know you were pregnant?’
I totally thought he was messing with me and knew what I did. Come to find out.. he was serious and had no idea about the switch. I ended up telling him what I did and apologizing.
He didn’t really have too much to say, instead, he ran out of the room to catch Randall so that he could inform her (I thought it was a dude!) of what happened.
When I walked back out to the waiting room, it felt like the walk of shame. I could feel the stares of the nurses.”
This Is Why You Don’t Jump On Your Bed
“Okay, here goes not only my most embarrassing moment in front of a doctor but also my second most painful experience in my life period.
This all happened about seven years ago.
I had recently bought and built this two-person bed from IKEA.
As I was used as a child, I always woke up, jumped from the edge of my bed into my room, always with a loud bang that shook the whole house, and let everyone know I was awake again.
I was ordered to not jump too roughly from the bed into my room anymore back then.
Anyway, I was now living in my own apartment and I had just bought and built a two-person bed from IKEA, together with a friend of mine, as I am not a very coordinated person.
The first day I ever woke up in that bed, I was so used to the regular height and jumping distance in my parents’ house that I totally had neglected the new situation and circumstances.
As I tried to jump the same way as I was used to, out of this new bed, in my new apartment, totally riding solo, living the free life, my left foot got stuck between the edge of the bed and a piece of blanket.
I tried to jump out but literally landed in a way one should assume I couldn’t have children anymore in my life.
I landed in a split on the wooden edge of the bed and the weird thing with these kinds of pains is that it takes a few seconds to kick in and then it really hurts like hades.
It felt like someone gave me an uppercut in my groin and that my balls were literally making their way through my stomach, through my throat, and about to be puked out of my mouth.
I fell down my bed and grabbed my groin in pain, all whilst trying to hold on to the bed, punching the edge a few times with my fist, as if the bed felt any pain for doing this to me and was now getting some jabs in return.
After having let go of my anger, I stood up and started walking around as if I was carrying a big rock with all my strength. I walked cautiously so that none my gentle parts touched my inner thighs. I decided to seek help.
I didn’t have a car at that time and all I could think of was calling my best mate with a car to bring me to the hospital immediately.
He drove up to my place as soon as he could.
Whilst he drove me to the hospital, I was sitting in the passenger seat, constantly screaming in how much pain I was, even hitting the dashboard a few times. My best mate didn’t believe the pain I was in and thought I was exaggerating.
He told me to calm down but I really couldn’t. This pain was horrible torture.
Once we arrived at the Dutch version of ER and I told the story, one of the doctors had to look at it immediately.
I never had a doctor check me up in this body area before and I was very ashamed to be willing to take down my pants and show this male doctor dude my whole package.
He put on some gloves and grabbed my crotch and just like that asked ‘Does this hurt?’
The pain was burning through my entire body.
‘YES, IT DOES HURT,’ I screamed.
He asked me what happened and I shamefully told him that I jumped out of bed, got stuck in the bedsheet with my left foot or ankle, and fell very painfully in a split position on the wooden edge.
The doctor continued to ask why I did jump out of bed like that and as I was in so much pain I just replied that I was used to doing so.
He gave me a kinda weird look and told me never to jump like that out of bed again, as this could have had far worse consequences.
It happens to be that my right ball was literally shot up an inch within my body because of the fall. I asked the doctor if any surgery or anything was required.
‘No, I am just going to push it down manually,’ was his reply.
My jaw dropped. There was no way this was going to work.
This was going to be a torturous moment for me. So, instead of a hot lady doctor or anything, I get this 50-year-old dude that is going to manually push down one of my gentle parts back into position?
Well, he did exactly that and it hurt like the absolute dickens. That whole time I felt so embarrassed to have another man literally trying to push one of my balls down.
These gloves they use are so thin, if you know what I mean, he actually has perfect grip down there and I just closed my eyes, hoping for the best, whilst it all happened.
After a short burst of pain, it was over, though. I thanked the doctor very awkwardly and wiggled away like a penguin towards the exit of the hospital and to my friend’s car.
We bought some painkillers at a local pharmacy and he brought me home.
So there you have it, my ball-busting story that ended up at the hospital with a senior male doctor pushing down my gentle parts back into position.”
“You Must Wipe From Front To Back!”
“I was in lovely, beautiful France and myself and my brother, along with my mother, father, Nan and uncle, were sitting on a beautiful beach when my brother decided that he wanted to go into the sea. My dad went with him.
The beach where we were sitting in was in a beautiful little cove with dark rocks creating the cove. Waves were little in this cove and it was just us there.
The beach looked a little like this except this is in Hawaii.
Now the next day, I had incredible stomach cramps. My father was convinced it was a bladder infection from not drinking enough, my mother insisted it was period pain and loudly shouted it to my embarrassment despite not starting.
So we trooped along to the emergency room and upon opening the door, there was this swarthy-looking doctor!
Now, this doctor was a very good-looking French man with sun-kissed skin and piercing eyes.
If I wasn’t nervous before with my 6 family members staring at me and a handsome doctor too, my mother then made me explain what happened.
‘Uh, I have a really bad stomach ache,’ I said.
Then my freaking mother said, ‘Tell the doctor what we thought it might be.’
‘Uh, a bladder infection,’ I whimper.
‘That was what your father said, not me! What did I say?’ she replied.
‘Uh, I can’t remember,’ I whimper again.
‘Period pain!’ she loudly whispered. ‘Go on, don’t be shy, tell that to the score!’
Thankfully, the doctor saw my signs of anguish and told me to go take a urine sample in the bathroom.
I go and do that and he leaves the room to check it out.
When he comes back, my mother loudly exclaims ‘Of course, she has started her period! I know best!
I can’t help but cringe while the rest of my family looks at me.
‘Aww, she’s a grown woman now!’ my nan says.
‘No, she has not started her period as it is a bladder infection,’ the doctor says in the best English he can muster.
My mother, skeptical mutters ‘Stupid Frenchie,’ under her breath.
‘You must wipe your pee-poo front to back!’ the doctor eventually comes up with, proudly, after he seemed to search for the right words.
My mother looks at me. My nan looks at me. My brother and father make an excuse to leave the room, wisely.
Never have I got out of that room fast enough.
I vowed to never go on holiday with my family again, nor complain about stomach aches.
face palm“
An Absolutely Soul-Crushing Doctor Visit
“Ok, so this wasn’t technically the doctor but his assistant.
When I was 19, (about 30 years ago), I was, like many teenagers, of the belief that I was indestructible! I was living the high life. I’d decided I couldn’t afford university. I’d been to college and had a qualification in photography. I was working as a glamour photographer. My boss owned a very successful nightclub. I was working stupid hours, drinking stupid amounts and eating garbage!
That’s when my bubble burst, I started having serious stomach problems. Two gastroscopies revealed some scarring near the exit to the duodenum. Treatment for an ulcer hadn’t rectified the issue, despite my bad diet I had lost weight so I was sent for an endoscopy,
I attended my appointment. The doctor performing the procedure was top-notch. An old guy and extremely well respected in his field. He explained the procedure which is basically they lubricate your bum and stick a rigid pole up it which is a camera.
After a brief chat, he said he’d send in my assistant with a gown and she will go through a health and lifestyle questionnaire. So I’m sat there in (pardon the pun) the bowels of the hospital. A very depressing sight, when in walks what I can only describe as a goddess. I’m not joking, when I first clapped eyes on her I thought it was some hidden camera TV show, this assistant was incredible. A six-foot Nordic blonde with curves that would make the Monaco Grand Prix circuit look like an American freeway!
Tall and busty with an hourglass figure and stunning looks. She was wearing a knee-length button-fronted tunic that was at least a size too small. Seriously she looked like a nurse from the Benny Hill show. As I said previously, I was indestructible and flirting outrageously. Now I’m 19, I don’t need to tell you how a 19-year-old responds to such stimuli. However, this wasn’t the crux of my problem, nor was putting on the backless gown or suppressing my, ahem admiration as I assumed the position on the bed.
Again, for the uninitiated, when you’re having an endoscopy you lay on your side with your knees up to your chest. The doctor will pop on some rubber gloves, smear them in a lubricating jelly, and stick his finger inside your bum to make sure it’s clear and to lubricate it! Then the doctor inserts the endoscope and checks your bowels. Whilst he’s doing this princess gorgeous is leaning over me, stroking my hair, and soothing me with reassuring words.
Now anyone who has undergone an endoscopy will tell you, having something rammed up your arse is only part of the story. To facilitate the investigation, the doctor starts to blow up your bowel with compressed air. They also spray the walls with warm water so the impacted feces doesn’t prevent them from seeing what they need to see. This gets progressively more uncomfortable.
After what seems like a lifetime (and the feeling of being buggered by a herd of rhinos who are hornier than the collective herd) the doctor starts to withdraw the camera (which by now feels like a full-size VHS cassette camera). He ‘kindly’ warned me that there might be some unpleasant side effects before he quickly exited stage left.
What happened next is something I will never ever, ever forget! If you can get PTSD from a hospital procedure then I have got it. The future Mrs. Hill pressed on my stomach, and the combination of compressed air, warm water, and KY jelly erupted from my arse in what I can only describe as the longest, wettest, loudest, smelliest soul withering fart that has ever been issued by a mortal being.
This thing went on for well over a minute whilst I groaned in pain and embarrassment. Finally, it was over, I remember sighing! Was that the end of my ordeal? Oh no! To cap it off the vision to behold, lifts up my cheek and wipes it with a wad of tissue, drops that and her gloves in a clinical waste bag, and struts out of the room with a look on her face that she would rather go on a date with the tissue than you.
Beyond crestfallen and embarrassed!”
Okay, So This Doctor Is An Absolute Creep
“I was 13 when my parents took me to the dermatologist for having a look at my severe acne breakdown.
After waiting for a while, we went in. The doc was quite young, maybe he was in his 20s. He motioned for me to sit on the seat opposite of him. My parents sat on the right, not far from where we were.
So, he switched on his torch. He examined the acne, and the first question he asked just went through me like a thunderbolt.
‘Do you watch dirty films regularly?’
Seriously?!
You want me to answer that in front of my parents? And doc are you saint? Don’t you watch it? How is someone going to know about the mechanism of reproduction without watching it?
All these questions sprang up in my mind in no time. I was cursing him like heck for doing that. I had almost lost all my social senses and I lost it that I was still in that room and all the three are looking at me unflinchingly for my answer.
With a jolt, I came back. I looked right, at my parents. Got a shiver. Looked dead into the eyes of the doctor and yelled a ‘NO!’
The doctor freaking understood someone’s planning his murder. He politely asked my parents to excuse us. The conversation that followed went like this.
‘See I am a doctor and you can’t hide things like that. I know you obviously watch adult videos.’
‘Then why the heck do you ask that?’
‘I am sorry but I enjoy that look of horror on the face of teenagers. I used to get beaten up by my Dad for the same reason,’ he replied with a laugh.
I felt like killing him. He really didn’t know what he had done. I could’ve got my Internet service cut off for such a stupid thing.
My parents were called in. He asked them to do a few tests for my skin.
Later, the result came. It was not because of the hormonal changes (watching adult films) but because my skin is oily and secretes a lot of sebum.
I still thank my skin to show all the oil it could on the test day.
Just A Routine Procedure!
“A few years back I decided that I should get a vasectomy. My girlfriend and her birth control pills did not get along. Often the snip is done in the urologist’s office but my insurance would only cover most of the cost in a hospital setting. My older daughter (18) volunteered to drive me home from the hospital. That in itself was somewhat embarrassing. But it gets better.
To avoid the dry razor treatment, I had carefully shaved ‘the boys’ and was ready to get it over with. I was prepped, filled out, and signed all the paperwork in my little hospital gown. The doctor comes by and asks if I’d mind an observer. I’m in an agreeable mood and said sure.
The nurse wheels me into the cutting arena and the doctor appears ready to get started. He is then surrounded by the observers…. A gaggle of nursing students looking over his shoulder. OK, fine. I’m not ashamed of my junk. So…. In goes the needle to numb the areas. Ouch, ouch. So far so good. I’m ready to be all manly and macho in front of this female audience.
Feel a little pressure. I assume the incisions. Hmm.. what’s taking so long??? Another injection. Stiff upper lip. Dang, that hurts. More time. Then I hear ‘this might pinch a little’. Holy cow!
Apparently, there are multiple small things the surgeon must work around that are sometimes difficult to separate. The vas tube, a small artery, and a very important nerve all wrapped up together in a neat little bundle. Clamps are required as well to finesse things apart and it takes some time to make sure to not snip things that need not be snipped.
The clamping was as if each ball, in turn, were put in an ever righting vise. All my macho manliness disappeared and was replaced by cries of extreme pain. I broke out into a sweat and I started to blackout. A cold washcloth to my forehead brought me back just enough to hear some chuckles and snickering. Fortunately, the doctor explained how the injection of a local anesthetic can cause the entire bundle to swell and make it quite difficult to tease out the part to snip.
I did get a thank you for letting them observe. It still didn’t assuage my embarrassment of whimpering like a wuss. Fortunately, a day of ice packs and a couple of days of cleaning out the plumbing and I was ready to try out my modified tackle.
As an aside, I was told my experience was quite atypical and most patients feel very little pain during this procedure. And, most don’t get to blackout in front of an audience. Also, fortunately, I did not recognize any of the nursing students as friends of my daughter.”
Bar-None, The Most Embarrassing Moment In This Man’s Life
“Had lower back pain that escalated over the course of a week. Thought I must have injured myself moving a keg (bar-tending at the time). I did not have health insurance at the time, so going to a chiropractor wasn’t in the budget.
A week in, the pain was totally overwhelming. Couldn’t sleep or work or function. I did as much research as I could to try to find a way to minimize or reduce the pain with almost no success. The one thing that did work was rolling on a tennis ball, which would stop the pain entirely until I got up again.
After doing the tennis ball thing one morning, I took a shower. Afterward, while talking with my girlfriend in a towel, the dog took a new interest in my butt region and was jumping up to sniff the ‘ol pooper. This is how I discovered that I had an abscess, right at the top of my butt crack, that had begun leaking a particularly odorous stream of puss.
More internet research led me to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to be able to fix it on my own and that complications might very well bankrupt me if I were to need surgery. Needless to say, immediate medical attention was required so I went to urgent care.
After hours of waiting, I was finally admitted and introduced myself to the doctor; a young, very nice, though extremely flamboyant gentleman. He then proceeds to bend me over the table to get a good look. I have a large abscess that is pressing against some of my nerves, causing back pain.
He then spends a few minutes squeezing as much of the puss out of the wound making chipper small talk until he proudly announces that he feels he’s gotten almost all of it. I am told that I should come back to get it checked, take antibiotics, and oh, by the way, if I happen to have someone in my life that could continue the process of squeezing more puss out, well that would be recommended.
Nice.
More than happy to torture my girlfriend, I tell him that yes, I do have a person like that in my life and she’s conveniently located in the waiting room! He sends for her and she reluctantly joins us in the office. The doctor explains the situation and she agrees to help. Now it’s time for him to show her how.
My pants return to the floor and my butt to the sky and the prodding continues.
Right as the doctor is telling her, with both of them leaning dangerously close to my furry fart factory, that he’s confident that he’s gotten it all, something horrifying happens.
SPLAT!
The thing explodes. It squirts puss across both of them as well as painting the wall, less two human silhouettes, behind them. It even gets all over the box of leftovers my future ex-girlfriend had from lunch.
My back pain is now totally gone, there is an endless pause, and we all three double over with laughter, though I guess I was already bent. This is my most embarrassing moment by a long shot.
The abscess healed just fine and I didn’t need surgery thanks to the spelunking efforts of the doctor and my lady. Also antibiotics.
Turns out she was cheating on me at the time, so I can’t blame the incident on our relationship’s demise, though I’m sure it didn’t help.”
Dazed And Confused At The Hospital
“I believe I was 18 at the time. I had gone in for keyhole surgery and was due to be put under anesthetic. So I sat down with the surgeon and he told me the biggest risk was that a blood vessel may be nicked which could cause problematic bleeding, and potentially be fatal, as he has to check I consent to that risk. He also explained I would go in, get put under, spend a few hours in the operating theatre, and would finally wake up back in the ward.
So a few hours later I wake up, I get checked over by a doctor, he informs me everything went well, and finally, it’s time to get moved to the ward.
I get checked on every few hours, and a day or two passed. It was time for me to get up on my feet. I am moved to a chair next to the bed, and the nurses leave as I let my head settle for a few moments. Maybe five minutes later, an attractive blond nurse comes in and walks straight over to me.
Now, this is where it got a little strange. As I am approached, she asks me how I am doing, and proceeds to get down on her knees by me, one arm placed casually across my knee.
‘A strange way to greet someone?’ I thought, for a brief moment I looked away as the confusion set in. My eyes snap back to the nurse and I notice her arms now under my gown, and I feel her hands on a certain appendage. At this point it was like time slowed down. I analyzed the situation, and like an excitable 18-year-old, with the age-old fantasy of an attractive nurse being a little too friendly happening there and then, I almost concluded it was a dream.
I must have been distracted for half a second before I realized I was indeed awake, and this was happening.
‘What on earth is going on, was there something I missed?’ I briefly thought.
I noticed the nurse’s eyes were moving up to meet mine. The look of shock must have been in my eyes, as she immediately gasped, quickly unhanded myself, and started handing out apology after apology.
‘Did they not tell you?’ she said.
I have no idea what she is on about.
Turns out one detail I wasn’t informed of before a surgery, was that a catheter was inserted without my realizing it. Obviously, when I was on the painkillers I hadn’t given any thought to the reason I wasn’t going to the bathroom.
She realizes I had no idea a tube was up to my member, and so she explains to me what she was doing. Realizing now that she effectively strode into a patient’s room, greeted them, and then fondled an unsuspecting man’s appendage.
Why no one felt the need to inform me that this would be used, prior to the surgery, or even before they were about to take it out, still baffles me.”
“I’ll Show YOU Some MEAT!!!”
“Okay, this wasn’t in front of a doctor but a nurse.
I was at the doctors due to bronchitis, which, because of a fairly rare condition I have that affects my lymph nodes and my immune system, was moving quickly into the land of Influenza. Suffice it to say I felt like tash, but I still had a sense of humor about it. Anyway, the nurse was there because the doctor had prescribed an injection of steroids that he thought would allow me to breathe more fully, and for whatever reason, this shot had to go in my butt. My wife was with me, which, as it turned out, was both a blessing and a curse.
So the nurse gets all her equipment ready, and says ‘Okay, undo your jeans and pull your pants down a bit — doesn’t have to be all the way, just enough skin that I can get this into the high part of your cheek.’
Without thinking for a second, I turned around, undid my jeans, and started to pull them down a little. Always the smart-aleck, I felt the need to lighten the mood for a moment, and as I turned around and leaned against the examining table I FOOLISHLY said, ‘Oh yeah, I’ll show you some meat.’
Of course, she had said ‘Your cheek’ and I thought I knew what she wanted. I listened to those words, which would probably be considered quite crude in most cases, come out of my mouth with my brain already screaming ‘Noooooooo!’
Certainly not something that most civilized adults would say to a stranger unless they’d had about eight shots of Cuervo before walking in. I felt so stupid it was just a dumb joke but I was stunned into a sort of embarrassed chuckling and stammering.
As the reality of what I had said sunk in, I was at first mortified, then paralyzed with horror for a second, and then I heard my wife kind of snorting and snickering, and I fell into that as well, thinking ‘Oh my God, did I really just say that out loud? Tim, you are SUCH an idiot!’
I immediately yanked my pants back into position while turning to face the nurse, with the words, ‘Oh my God, that really came out wrong — I didn’t mean it THAT way, please don’t be offended’ flowing out of my mouth.
The nurse NOT amused and stood there with a syringe in her hand and a pretty stern look on her face. I stammered out several more apologies before my wife’s laughter, which she was not even trying to hide by that point, began to infect me as well. My wife and I very quickly were both laughing so hard that I could hardly breathe, and I was still throwing out every apologetic statement I could think of. I was definitely embarrassed, but it WAS funny.
To make for a short story, just let me say that eventually, I recovered enough to turn back toward the table and gently ease down the back of my pants in order to allow the nurse to do what she was there to do. For some reason, the fact that she was obviously a little peeved was just making me laugh harder, and eventually, I was doubled over the exam table holding my one free hand over my mouth to stem my amusement at my faux pas, with my other hand holding up my pants. Without further adieu the stonily silent nurse jabbed that needle in without bothering to be too gentle, but I suppose I had earned at least that. When she was done she did an about-face and walked out the door without a single word, which just pushed my wife and me into further gales of laughter.
This incident occurred Friday of last week, and over the passing week it has become a great deal of fun for my wife to elbow me in the ribs once in a while and say ‘I’ll show YOU some MEAT!'”
