“I was working the early morning shift on Sunday and we had an old lady in her mid-eighties call in. She was panicking for reasons that were not clear until five minutes into the call. It turned out that her husband was on his deathbed.
I said, ‘Alright ma’am I’m going to need you to stay on the line while I arrange for an ambulance to go to your location. Would you mind telling me where you are? What’s the address?’
She responded, ‘I don’t need an ambulance.’
I said, ‘Ma’am we still need to send someone over there just as a precaution. Would you mind telling me what’s the matter with your husband?’
She responded, ‘I told you, he’s dying! Don’t you understand?’
I asked, ‘Ma’am, would you mind telling me where you are? I just want to be sure you’re okay.’
She said, ‘I’m at the hospital.’
Shocked and assuming that I misunderstood her, I asked, ‘Excuse me, ma’am? Would you mind repeating that?’
She shouted, ‘I’m at the hospital! I need you to send an officer right away! My husband is dying!’
I asked, ‘Ma’am, is there a doctor nearby that I can speak with?’
She shouted back, ‘No! I need an officer now!’
Extremely confused at this point, I asked, ‘And why’s that, ma’am?’
She repeated, ‘My husband is dying! Don’t you understand that?!’
I responded, ‘I’m afraid not ma’am, would you mind explaining what you would like an officer for?’
She exclaimed, ‘I need to file a police report!’
I asked, ‘What for, ma’am?’
She shouted, ‘I need to report a theft!’
I asked, ‘And what has been stolen, ma’am?’
She said, ‘My husband stole money from me! Yesterday, he went to the vending machine and used my credit card without my permission!’
Shocked, I asked, ‘Ma’am is this really a matter of life and death? Is this really an emergency you needed to call 911 for?’
She shouted, ‘Yes! If he dies before I fill out a police report, I’ll never get that money back!’
At this point, one of my colleagues came back from his break and read the transcript of the call I had up on my screen after I waved him over. He tried very hard not to laugh.
It’s funny but I also felt bad for the woman. She clearly needed help, but not of the emergency kind.
I held my hand over the receiver and told my colleague to call the hospital and get someone over there to calm her down before resuming the conversation:
I said, ‘Ma’am, help is on the way. Please wait with me on the line until we can get someone to you.’
I continued, ‘So ma’am, where was this vending machine located?’
She responded, ‘Down the hallway, overlooking the pond behind the hospital.’
I said, ‘The pond, huh? That’s nice. And what did your husband buy?’
She responded, ‘He said he needed to buy two bags of chips to feed to this big fish in the pond. He said that the fish had specifically asked him for the chips. I told him that was ridiculous, fish don’t talk, but he wouldn’t listen to me.’
Shocking that the call had somehow gotten stranger, I asked, ‘The fish asked him for chips? Interesting. Now, ma’am, you said he used your credit card. How much did these chips cost?’
She responded, ‘About three dollars.’
And that was the day I quit my job, walked out the door, and never ate chips again.”
