Working all hours of the night, its no shocker that bartenders witness a great deal of crazy
Talk About Stranger Things
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“I worked in a certain British pub chain part-time while at university. I was there for just over a year and saw many strange things. Some highlights include a gentleman who was clearly under the influence of some powerful substances having a conversation with a rubber plant. Another one was a dodgy looking bloke easily over 30 years old who came in after last orders drunk, with a large stuffed teddy bear. He ordered a glass of water and sat himself and the bear in a booth and just like the previous guy began to talk to the inanimate object.”
That’s One Way To Get Their Attention
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“The restaurant I work at is mostly windows and lies on the main street in between other college/dive type bars. Pub crawls are a common thing around these parts and we are often entertained at the parade of drunks wandering from one spot to another. We are a bit higher end so we do not attract those looking for cheap thrills.
Anyway, one normal night, I have a party of three ladies in the range of 50 to 70 years old having a nice dinner with a spot of wine and enjoying their night. From my vantage at the bar, I watch as a group of five or six men around 21 years old walking past the front windows. They weren’t the usual drunks, punks, or co-eds and had they not been so clean cut, what happened next wouldn’t have surprised me that much. When the group reached the spot in the window next to where the ladies sat, one of the fellows turns to his left and licks the window right next to this one lady’s face. It happened all of a sudden and the look on her face was absolutely priceless! All of us were in shock and it took everything in me not to die of laughter. I did the obligatory rush-to-the door and shake my fist at ‘those darn kids,’ but it is rather pointless when pretty much everybody in the place (including the ladies) is cracking up.”
He Didn’t Even Realize That
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“I bartended at a horse track. A guy was standing at the mutuals window trying to place a bet when poop dropped out of his short shorts. It plopped on the floor and splattering like gooey brown paint. He started walking around, a trail of poop in his wake. He was so drunk he didn’t realize his leg was slathered in feces. Security had to escort him out and they guaranteed the area because of the bio-hazardous excrement.”
Getting A Little Too Into Character
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“We were having a ‘religious party’ at our punk café where everyone would dress up as a religious nut. There was this guy that was constantly trying to lift the loincloth of the guest that had come as Jesus on the cross, including cross and nails. He had hung himself on the cross on the wall by his arms and hands (with rope, the nails were fake), so he couldn’t move them. He was fed drinks by a nun and a missionary. His legs were free so the third time that guy reached for his loincloth, he got kneed in the chin, fell over unconscious and was bleeding. We dragged him across the street and called the police that there was a fight across the street. The police and ambulance came and we never saw him again.”
A Night To Remember, Or Not?
“I was on shift one night and there was an extremely large girl there who had come to my bar only because she had been kicked out of another bar in my town that was known to be a rough and tumble establishment, so you know she was crazy. She started off the night by going around hitting on a bunch of older men in the place, one guy specifically she really went hard for and he turned her down completely. This started her off crying and screaming because he shut her down and at that point, she began drinking very heavily and grinding on one of the most redneck, toothless guys in the place.
The end of the night rolls around and the last call is called and I had no sooner started turning on the lights and cleaning up when she collapsed into a drunken heap on the floor. The guy she had been grinding on earlier elected to take her home. We get a bunch of guys together to try and pick this girl up but we can’t because she was so big. Not to mention every time we try to move her, she wakes up for a second, starts to scream and swing her fists and bash her head off of barstools and the floor. So at this point, there’s blood everywhere coming from her nose and forehead and everyone abandoned trying to move her. She’s laying there passed out until finally two guys that knew her, had enough of her behavior and wrapped her head in her jacket and started dragging her by her ankles to the front door. She starts kicking her feet with the intensity and power of a kickboxer, so they abandon that and grab her arms and continue dragging. As they’re dragging her, her pants get caught on a rug and pull down to her knees and since I’m holding the door open I get a front row seat to her downstairs action.
So now these two brave warriors are dragging this nasty, bloody, screaming, naked woman across the parking lot and they get her to the rednecks truck and stand her up and put her into the back seat and slam the door, thereby ending what was easily the craziest thing I’ve witnessed at the bar. The cleanup was disgusting and there was an astonished conversation on what just happened. As an adult who was able to stand up and dance and talk I wasn’t going to cut her off even if she was drunk because it’s a bar, people get drunk there, the passing out was unexpected. I may get people drunk but I also make people get rides or cabs when they’re loaded and the owner and myself have made people park their motorcycles in the vestibule of the establishment so they couldn’t get on them and ride home.”
A Midget Walks Into A Bar
“One Friday night, a midget walks into my bar with his friend. Seriously. We have pretty high barstools for the bar top so he has to scale it like it’s Mt. Everest, which as I look back on it was pretty impressive because he had already been drinking prior to coming to my bar. Anyway, he and his friend order a beer and a shot and start drinking. They sit at the end of my bar and are a little loud at times but not overly loud as it’s a busy Friday night. I give them maybe three or four rounds through the course of their stay but they had been pre-gaming so who knows how much they actually had. Anyways, the friend of the dwarf ends up hitting on a couple of attractive ladies that grab seats next to them and completely ignores his friend who eventually devolved into a drunken mess precariously perched atop the very high bar stool. The dwarf was passing out moaning incoherently with his head face down on one arm and it got progressively worse as the night wore on. Eventually, he started making a spectacle of himself and now his friend had no choice but to address the gorilla in the room. He leaned over once and shook his shoulder and asked if he was okay. The dwarf said he was fine and continued moaning. I walked over while the friend was still trying to hit on the now visibly uncomfortable ladies asking if he needs any help for his tiny friend. He says no he’s fine and proceeds to ignore him. People are now staring and going through a rotation of looking at the dwarf, looking at the friend, and looking at me. My bar manager comes over to me and asks me if everything is ok and I told him that I’m going to call it a night for the two guys. So I walk up to the friend still talking to the ladies who he’d been talking to for a solid 30 minutes and they were nice enough to humor him and conversate.
I tell him, ‘Dude, we’ve got to do something about your friend.’ He finally acknowledges it’s time to take him home and says he’s going to pull his car around. Once he comes back in he asks for a little help getting the dwarf to the car. The two of us go to pick him up and that little guy was built like an actual tank. He must’ve only stood 4 feet 6 inches but felt like he was pushing 200lbs. I’d also like to state for the record that I’m not a small person, and I basically double as a bouncer when (almost never) needed. I was not expecting a solid lump of mass that heavy and literally dropped him on the floor when we went to get him off the bar stool. The two women, my bar manager, and I all fought back the incredible urge to laugh hysterically. So my manager sees me drop this guy on the floor and comes over to help and it takes three of us to carry him through the bar and entryway and past half the restaurant area in the process. The small army of hostesses for the restaurant side graciously hold open the two sets of glass doors for us as we carry the guy out and dump him in the car. My manager and I are met with stares from everyone as we re-enter the building chuckling with each other at what the two of us just experienced. The looks from the teenage hostesses were priceless as they looked like they were amazed and confused at the same time. The small army of hostesses for the restaurant side graciously hold open the two sets of glass doors for us as we carry the guy out and dump him in the car. As word of the event spread, I had multiple coworkers asking me about it for the rest of the night. That was one time of many I probably should have had my serving license taken away. That was probably the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Please Don’t Drink That
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“I bartended at a music venue and on one of my first days, I served a dude a high life draft. He chugs about half the beer, then immediately gets this bad look on his face and barfs into his cup. Then he just shrugs his shoulders and drinks the rest of the barf-filled beer. Another time, a dude got so hammered he couldn’t hold his bladder and pulled out his junk and started pissing on the wall outside the bathroom. Watching security try to kick the dude out was hilarious.”
No Pants, No Problem
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“I bartended for many, many years. I once kicked a woman out for diving head first in our back pool room for drinks. I had a really drunk guy come in and order a beer and try to pay me with an electric shaver. I watched one of of our resident drunks get tackled by the cops in our establishment. I had a bus full of rugby players come into the bar with no pants on. It was 30 big dudes. Zero pants. This same night, same group of guys, somebody took a huge dump on the floor of the ladies room.”
Not A Pretty Sight
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“I worked at a poolside members-only bar. One day, a usual member came by. He was an old guy between 60 and 70 years old, super nice, and always wore his navy veteran’s hat. He would order two scotches and talk while he drank them, then he would walk home. He did the same this day.
About half an hour after he left, someone came to us saying there was a naked old guy walking around in the parking lot. Being the youngest worker, I was given the privilege of seeing what was happening and sure enough, there was Mr. Mann completely naked walking around. I run back to the bar and grab some towels and call security, then I go back and help him. I wrap him in a towel and security is trying to see what was wrong. I think he may have taken medication before coming to drink because he was out of it. At one point, he fell backward, hit his head, and was bleeding profusely. When the ambulance came, he tried fighting the EMT because he didn’t want to go. The police were then called and he was taken to jail.
It’s been six years and I still can’t get his wrinkled, leathery body out of my head.”
Things Got Out Of Control Fast
“I bartended at a concert hall for a few years. It was sort of a two-tier design with a large main area with a few bars and an elevated viewing loft about 20 feet above. At a Nas show, they had a few local rap artists opening for him. Their group was given VIP status and were hanging out in the loft watching the show while the rest of the audience was below on the main floor. Apparently, the rappers all belonged to one group that had pissed off a number of other members of our city’s rap community. So some folks in the crowd were booing the guy on stage, throwing drinks and stuff. Before security could get in, the rest of the guy’s crew in the loft started whipping drinks down on the hecklers, literally making it rain. There was booze everywhere, it was like a hurricane was passing through.
My favorite part was that a guy on the floor thought he’d get those jerks in the loft back. He hefted up a garbage can full of half-drank plastic cups and beer cans and tried to heave it up at the loft. Of course, the thing went up about 15 feet, peaked, and came back down right on top of his head. The dude knocked himself out cold, got showered in booze, and soaked everyone within 20 feet of him. Priceless. He proceeded to get loaded into an ambulance with his face decently busted up from the trash can. They just booted the rest of the people out and went on with the show. It was kind of a crazy night. One of the guys they kicked out waited outside of the staff doors and tried to jump one of the bartenders because he was pissed off. It ended up being a stand-off because the bartender closed the door enough and yelled for help, meaning there were 15 dudes against him. He wasn’t quite stupid enough to try anything then. I also remember one of our bartenders had grabbed a mop and was waving it crazily at him.”
Quite A Disturbing Experience
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“This seemingly polite and well-dressed lady came up to the bar, handed me an envelope, and asked if I could pass it along to her friend who was sitting about 15 yards away. I thought it was a bit strange, but told her yes and gave it her friend. The initial woman told me thanks and then disappeared off and I carry on pouring drinks as usual. About five minutes later, her ‘friend’ is hysterically crying. It turns out I had just given her a letter from her stalker or someone with threatening information or photos. It was a disturbing experience.”
Launching Back Into The Medieval Ages
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“I’m not a bartender, but my friend and I are regulars at his step-mother’s pub and we hear a lot of stories. One old guy, who is also a regular, always hangs around with his other old regular friends from opening time to closing time. The type when you look at them and think they could keel over the table and die at any given moment. One day he announces to his friends that he’s going to Thailand for a month so he can ‘shag his bollocks off.’
He flies over, has a good time (gross) and returns a month later. Once he’s back, he’s in the pub bragging to his fellow disgusting, old perverted friends about how many young Thai girls he fooled around with, obviously being as loud as possible so he could be sure everyone in the place could hear about his adventures. One younger, slightly deranged looking chap took offense to this, got aggressive with the old guy and started calling him out for disrespecting Thai women. There was a little shoving and pulling, but eventually, the young guy was kicked out of the bar by the manager and we thought that was the last of it.
Twenty minutes later, the young guy returns. This time, he’s carrying a mace. He sprints through the pub towards the old guy swinging the mace wildly around his head and in every direction, clearly with the intent of seriously injuring him or maybe even killing him. About a dozen guys jumped up, restrained him, and disarmed him. Then the big group took him out back where the CCTV cameras were broken and systematically beat him up in the alleyway behind the building before casually coming back inside from the cold and finishing their well-earned pints.”
That’s Gotta Hurt
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“A lady climbed over the bar and tackled a co-worker to the ground. Our co-worker turns around and whacks her across the head with a champagne bottle. It was my first day on the job.”
Uh, What?
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“I used to work at a bar that was adjacent to a short alley, which held our dumpsters at the far end. I had a lunch shift during the week and was setting up the bar that morning. I see the garbage truck backing up the alley and I give my typical wave to the driver. Two minutes later, one of the guys comes running up the alley past our window. I see his colleague walking backward out of the alley, ghost white, holding his cell phone like he meant to make a call but forgot what he was doing, staring toward the dumpsters.
We head over to the window to see what’s up. Blood. Everywhere. Spattered on the brick wall with a steady stream rolling down the alley toward the garbage men. Someone had rolled a dead body in a rug and tossed it in our dumpster. When they ran the compactor, everything went splat. Ah, East Cleveland.”
Chill Out, Man
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“I’m not the bartender, but I’m the witness. A guy came in already drunk and whipped his junk out after a few martinis because a woman rebuked his advances. I laughed, which probably didn’t make him feel any more manly. When he tried to come back in a few days later, the manager intercepted him and told him firmly that he was not welcome.”
The Asian Mafia Messes Around…More Than You’d Think
“I bartend at a place that has room rentals for VIP events and parties. One of our yearly clients is literally the Asian mafia of the city. They are good guys but often got a little crazy. Probably the craziest thing I personally have seen from a group of them doing it, in plain sight, in the hallway. There were three couples going at it, almost right outside the doors of the room.”
Hey, When The Hunger Strikes
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“I once saw a girl go into the bathroom to eat a burger and fries. It was a dive bar and the bathrooms were not the cleanest. Another lady was standing in line and after a couple minutes started banging on the door for her to come out because others needed to use the bathroom.”
Gone Bananas
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“My friend is a bartender and told me that someone came into the bar with a banana, screamed ‘Free the monkeys!’, chucked the banana at the bar, and ran through a glass window.”
What Happens At The Club, Stays At The Club
“I was a bartender at an exotic dance club until recently. We had to look pretty but it wasn’t lingerie or anything. We were fully clothed with flat shoes. I’ve seen a lot of weird things during my time working there:
I watched a guy drop his iPhone 6 on the floor, then tip his drink on said phone.
Someone tried to punch the shatterproof glass on the door and broke his hand.
I’ve been offered $2,000 to go to someone’s house and fool around with them by choking them to which I obviously said no, especially since I was in an abusive relationship where my ex-boyfriend choked me.
I watched some guy wearing a turban get messed up and then try to wait for a girl after closing time, using the argument, ‘I can’t leave, then she’ll go home to someone else!’
A female customer took her clothes off and jumped on stage. I’m doing a glass run and all I hear is, ‘You don’t work here!’ and then security superman jumped across the stage to tackle her off it.
A guy on his bachelor party night got a 10-minute lap dance, which is the minimum you can buy. His fiancee followed him to the club, paid entry, and waited at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the private rooms. As soon as he came out, she started punching and crying at him, ‘He’s cheating on me with exotic dancers!’
It took two large security guards to carry her out and I followed them out to watch. She ended up being arrested because she tried to punch a few dancers on her way out. She threw her engagement ring on the ground, crying and screaming that he went to an exotic dance club on his bachelor party night.
I was working alone in the private room bar one night. The waitress comes to me and says that there is someone here looking for a guy who just booked his girl for an hour. I dismiss it, telling her that his friend can wait. I find out that it’s his wife and they had a flight to be on shortly. She had to check the bank account to see where the card had been used. He was even denying being married all the way down the stairs until he encountered a very angry wife waiting near the door.”
Did He Really Just Say That?
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“I’m no longer a bartender, but this happened about two years ago. I was working in a restaurant bar and it was about 4 p.m. This African man whose English wasn’t that great came and sat at the rail next to a couple regulars. He starts trying to chat with one of the regular and asking uncomfortable questions like, ‘You lonely man?’ ‘No wife?’ Of course, I’m eavesdropping.
After a few questions, he points to the back door in the bar and there’s a small girl 14-year-old girl outside watching from the window. He says something about her being his sister and talks about how they don’t really have money. Then the dude flat out asks the regular if he would want to do it with his sister for some money. Naturally, the regular gets mad and is like, ‘What did you just ask me?!’ So I stop what I’m doing and watch to make sure it doesn’t get physical and get ready to remove the African dude, when he turns to the other regular and goes, ‘I’ll give you a better price.’ That’s when I kicked him out and told him not to return.”
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