Everybody loves to pig out at a buffet, but these people take the cake. And the pie. And the...you get the point.
Fat Logic.
I ate at CiCi’s pizza recently with a friend and it really made me not want to go back anytime soon. I think the highlight of the experience was an incredibly obese woman who just finished several plates of pizza and when one of her family members mentioned she should probably slow down because of her high cholesterol she said it was okay because she made a “salad” and then proceeded to point at a bowl that was so overly saturated with ranch, croutons, bacon bits and cheese that you couldn’t see a single bit of green in the bowl. As the conversation unfolded and she continued to argue her point with the people at the table I was shocked because there was 3 major holes in her logic: 1) She assumed that by eating something “healthy” it magically cancelled out all the unhealthy food that she ate. 2) She believed that her ranch soup was healthy because everything with the label “salad” is automatically healthy 3) She thought that just making the salad gave you all of its nutritional benefits, that you just have to appear to eat healthy to actually be healthy. She never actually ate the salad but kept insisting that “I ORDERED one!” so it counts. (Source)
“I Don’t Work At A Buffet, But I Was That Guy.”
I’d been backpacking on the Appalachian Trail for a couple months (it’s a 2,100 mile hiking trail that runs from Georgia to Maine, along the US Appalachian Mountain range). Been eating nothing but ramen & instant oatmeal since Gatlinburg. I was getting hungry, OK? I was having dreams about meat. So my friend and I hiked down from the trail to this tiny town, Catawba, Virginia, that only has one restaurant, the Homeplace–All You Can Eat Fried Chicken. We walk in. We sit down. A waitress brings us a platter of fried chicken and a basket of homemade biscuits. And whenever we start running low, she brings another platter. It’s not like most buffets, where the food’s crappy and watery and sugary but at least it’s unlimited. No. It’s the best damn fried chicken I’ve ever tasted. Crisp and juicy and greasy and just perfect. Me and my pal gorge on fried chicken. Eat at least 5lbs each. I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable, so when the waitress shows up with the next platter, I wave her off. She clears the table. And then she comes back carrying a motherfucking blackberry cobbler. So we polish off the cobbler (it would have been impolite not to), pay our bill, grab our backpacks from the foyer & stand on the porch, contemplating the 1,500′ climb back up to the trail. And it becomes obvious that there is no conceivable way we are climbing back up to the trail tonight. So I go back inside and ask the hostess if there’s anywhere to camp here in town, and she tells me, “you’re welcome to sleep in the gazebo out back.” Apparently, this happens all the time. EDIT: we were not the only hikers in the gazebo that evening. These two other dudes came in later and ate harder and had to sleep it off with us. (Source)
Only At Golden Corral.
Golden corral employee here… Once this very big lady started sh_tting her pants on the way to the bathroom, the sh_t kept falling through her shorts on the floor… in front of the bars and everything and everyone… after going to the bathroom she proceeded to go back to her table and keep on eating. True story. (Source)
Challenge Accepted.
I watched a fight break out between a customer and a manager at an all you can stack restaurant (You pay for a plate, and you can take as much as you can stack on a single plate). Anyway this guy had his plate stacked about 12+inches high with food. As he was reaching for a serving spoon he dropped his plate. He demanded another and the manager got pissed and told him he shouldn’t have stacked it so high. He refused to give the man a refund, he pointed to a sign that said something about paying for dropped food. Apparently wasn’t the first time this had happened. (Source)
Getting Creative.
I am not an employee but I saw a man whom I now refer to as “cucumber fence man”. At a stir fry place whatever you can fit in the little metal bowl they will stir fry with rice or noodles. This man used cucumbers around the edge of the bowl vertically to allow more meat to fit in the bowl and when he got to the fry area he told the man cooking to throw out the cucumbers as he didn’t want them. Simultaneously my new hero and the most gluttonous thing I have ever witnessed. (Source)
The Ulimate From Of Gluttonous Greed.
Watched a woman come in, go right to the dessert section, and pick up 4 plates of pumpkin pie. Then, as soon as more plates of pie are set out, she gets up before she’s even finished eating the four slices she’s already grabbed, cuts right in front of a kid about to grab a slice, and picks up 4 more plates. I should mention she didn’t even finish them all. There were like 2 and 3/4 slices of pie on her table when she left. (Source)
No More Belly Shirt Guy.
7 years of pizza buffet experience. I’ve seen salad bowls full of ranch. I’ve seen huge gluttonous Southern Baptist preachers with a stack of pizza because they’re too fat and lazy to make that many trips. We had a regular who came in 2 times a week. We called him “belly shirt guy” who would stack a whole pizza on each plate per trip on top of unlimited pasta. His gut hung down below his shirt. Great turn around for him though because he started eating salads every trip. By the time I left the man has lost a good 75 lb’s and actually looked healthy. (Source)
Make A Day Out Of It.
Pizza Buffet. Dude came in for lunch buffet and ate a pretty good amount. Fell asleep in his booth for a few hours then ate buffet again for dinner. (Source)
All In The Eyes.
One time at an Izzy’s I saw this surrealistically obese man, hard to believe he could even walk, circling the buffet same time as I was, so I couldn’t help but check out his technique. He loaded his plate with mountains of all the high carb stuff, a Matterhorn of macaroni salad, that kind of thing. Then he got another plate that he loaded up with jojo potato wedges, went over to the dessert bar and drowned the potatoes in chocolate syrup. That’s when we made eye contact, and it was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Eyes sunk deep in his fat, and they were fairly crying out “Don’t judge me. I can’t help it.” Haunts me to this day. (Source)
Mom Don’t Mess Around.
Not an employee, but I know someone. Let’s say she may or may not be my mom. Goes in the cupboard before the trip to the buffet and grabs a handful of the big freezer bags and shoves them in her massive purse. Flash forward, we’re leaving, in the parking lot, on the way out to the car, and the freaking strap on her purse broke from weight. It was closed, so nothing fell out, but jeez. It’s not like [this family] had to worry about where the next meal was coming from or something. It was more about the thrill of “the hunt.” (Source)
Puff, Puff, Eat.
Not an employee, but I saw a really obese lady (in a wheelchair and breathing tube) have plates stacked all over the table. She was going HAM on a cake, but stopped to breathe really hard. “HUFF HUFF HUFFFFFFF, PUFFFFFF” And then took another huge bite. (Source)
Just The Cheese Please.
A friend of mine once noticed the guy put out a brand new lasagna, so he went over and scooped all the cheese off the top of the entire thing and ate it. He didn’t feel very good after that. (Source)
The Walmart Of Buffets.
Went to Golden Corral (for those not familiar, GC is the Walmart of buffets) with a friends family in high school. Sat down with my food, they started to pray. While they were praying and I politely sat with my head down but my eyes open, a large sweaty man next to me looked me dead in the eye, barfed all over the floor, and then walked out of the restaurant like nothing happened. (Source)
Don’t Eat The Rolls.
So I wasn’t an employee…I was about five at the time and my uncle took me to Hometown Buffet. He told me there was a trick to tell if the rolls were fresh or not. His trick was to pick up a roll, lick it, and then if it wasn’t fresh enough, he put it back. (Source)
Where Are The Kids?
All you can eat prime rib special. First round you got prime rib, veggies, mashed potatoes. Subsequent plates just prime rib. Guy did 8 plates. Lady came in with two small kids. Said she wouldn’t pay for two kids because they wouldn’t be eating. We were curious where the kids went at one point and found she was feeding them under the table like dogs. (Source)
